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Wanker that Canker!

Canker-X“I’ve got a ulcer thingie on my gum I think!” I say to Leigh on Friday. “Let’s have a look” she says, and peers inside my mouth as I unfurl my lip to reveal a painful white white blob growing on my gum.

“Oh it’s a canker”. “A what?” “A canker” “Do you mean an ulcer?” “I don’t know, looks like a canker to me”.

So yet again, just when you think you’ve exhausted the list of ‘We call it this’ … and ‘They call it that’ … UK/US differences, it would seem that ailments are in a little world of their own when it comes to descriptive terms. And thus a canker is what I would call a mouth ulcer, and so one quick trip to the pharmacy later, and I’d bought a tube of CANKER-X.

I could hear the deep voice-over on the TV commercial already, even if there has never actually been an ad for it.

Also – right now, Leigh thinks she might have a plantar wart developing on her foot, and I’d call that a verruca. In fact, this reminded me of one of my favourite advertising slogans back in the UK for a product that promised to Berruca that Verruca!. Not that I can actually recall what the product was called. Oops.

And they kept on coming all day today … whilst we have Physiotherapists, Chiropractors and Osteopaths to cure a manner of back ailments, they just have ‘Physical Therapists’ and Chiropractors here – Leigh has no idea what an Osteo is.

Ooh – and did you see what I just did there? Shorten ‘Osteopath’ down to ‘Osteo’ – in the same vein which made me laugh today when it transpired that the sport of badminton here is simply called ‘Badmin’. Squash has been bastardised into Racquetball, and when they play badminton they don’t have shuttlecocks, they call ’em ‘Birdies’ – seriously.

WhoppersAnd just when I’ve got used to the fact that a 3 Musketeers here is a Milky way, and a Milky Way here is a Mars bar, imagine my joy (or, perhaps not) when someone today produced a packet of ‘Whoppers‘ which turned out to be exactly the same as Maltesers – result!

And they were the chocolates made to melt in your mouth, and not your hand – right?

Anyway. I’m off to write a jingle for my catchy ‘Wanker that Canker’ slogan, and see if I can get Proctor & Gamble to use it in a US-nation-A wide advertising campaign. Result.

16 responses to “Wanker that Canker!”

  1. Allan Williams says:

    I think it was Minstrels that “melt in your mouth, not your hand”. They had a hard sugar skin over the chocholate and have now been re-branded as “Galaxy Minstrels”

  2. Julia says:

    It was Minstrels! Oh and you BeZZuca that verruca! I don’t think it’s logistaclly possible to BeRRuca anything. Not on a Tuesday anyway

  3. Mikey says:

    Do you mean Bazooka that Varruca, using Bazooka Gel? That’s always stayed in my mind.

  4. Riley says:

    I love how M&Ms were named after medieval bard’s in the UK. Always made me feel like I was chomping down on some poor
    man with a cittern.

  5. geofftech says:

    Ah! MINSTRELS, not Maltesers – you’re right, bugger.

    was the verruca cream actually called ‘Bezzuca’ then? i think it was! i remember there was a 5% strength version and a 10% ‘maxi’ strength. or was it ‘Bazooka’ ?

    actually, the way i killed off a verrucas on my foot once was to use a product called Salactol, a home kit which ‘ices’ it over, you leave it for a bit, and then use a raw razor blade to hack away at the dead skin on your foot. it took about 3 months to do it but it worked – the verucca was the size of a penny/cent coin though which is quite large!

  6. geofftech says:

    See, now i’m terribly amused (but that’s not hard) by the the fact that I’ve just found the website: where they encourage you to “Let’s talk about feet! Join us for a live chat with a Dr Foot advisory board member every Thursday 10a.m to 11a.m GMT”


  7. Paul says:

    A canker, cool! LOL! I have them all the time. My old nan was right, 1 week forming, 1 week hurtling (like hell) and the 3rd week going down again. I never tend to use anything on them, just let them pass naturally. Bur if they do hurt a lot, old fashioned salt or mouth wash does the trick.

  8. leigh says:

    It’s actually called a “canker sore”, not just a canker.

  9. Paul says:

    Cool – Next time I get one I’m gonna go into work and moan about my canker sore! Do you guys have headaches too? Or do you call them something different?!

  10. Tina (G's Mum) says:

    Ooer, I think Canker is a nasty disease cats or dogs get in their ears, a little bug or something.

    re: your mouth ulcers, try baby teething gel, i.e. Bonjela. makes the area go numb. Look at family for the lowdown on the treatment of these canker sores.

  11. Paul says:

    Bonjela is for wimps! LOL!

  12. Jon Allen says:

    They could play the advert on the radio station W-ANK.

  13. geofftech says:

    There’s a TV station in Hawaii called KUNT

  14. Leanne says:

    The cheapest solution for healing mouth ulcers is to regularly rinse your mouth out with a mixture of 1/4 tsp of baking soda and a 1/4 tsp of salt dissolved in warm water. It takes a few days, but it works and although time consuming is less painful than bonjela and much cheaper.

  15. Lisa says:

    I have never seen badmitten referred to as badmin over here…..but it is pronounced somewhat like badmi-en

  16. My dad’s cure for mouth ulcers (which has always worked for me and my friends) is to use a “milk of magnesia” tablet (old-fashioned indigestion remedy): take the tablet (break into a smaller piece if necessary), place directly in the cheek of whereever against the ulcer, and hold it there for as long as possible (eg. put it there just before bedtime). The tablet slowly dissolves.

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