Main menu: Home Tube Challenge Underground : USA Living in America 50p iPod Music

Knock Knock

This actually happened to me, yesterday.

“Oh you’re the British guy aren’t you! Hello!” smiles and giggles the very cute Cameron who introduces herself to me as I pop in for my daily-dose of Schultz Crack, prior to going out for the evening.

Now most of the staff in this particular branch know who I am – and I know them – included the manager Brian, the white-glasses wearing Andrew, and the lovely mesmerising blue-eyed-Kristen. But Cameron? For some reason, I’d never really focused on her before.

I was focusing on her now though, she was delightful.

“So how do you know who I am then?”, I say, cranking up the flirt dial a little to see where this one goes. “Well you’re they guy that spells Geoff with a ‘G’, right?”, she replies, as I sense that she’s also just turned up her own flirt dial a little, nice!

Well this is going to be pleasant – I’m not in a hurry to get anywhere just yet, so I can talk for a while and see where this one goes, except just then I sense someone stand behind me in line, so I move to one side, let Cameron take their order and serve them, and once they’re done I slide back into place to carry on our rather flirty conversation.

“I like your tie” she says, pointed at my delightful red apparal then adorns the length of my torso – I am indeed going to a masquerade party later where the instruction were ‘To dress up’ a little. For me, that means putting on a tie. “But you’ve got your shirt untucked though” she also notes, and I duly nod.

“Well I’m trying to look smart and cool at the same time”, I say “Hence the non-smart shoes as well” and raise up my leg resting it on the mound of coffee bags for sale, to show her my splendid colour-coordinated red shoes that I’m also wearing.

“Ooh, you’ve got the same pants on as me” she continues – giggling as she says it – and I look back at her and note that she is indeed wearing some near-identical light brown corduroy trousers like wot I’ve got on.

“Well they’re not exactly the same”, I retort, “For starters, I bought mine in England, and secondly … “, I pause, “And what?”, “Well you know, my trousers are man shaped ones, yours are more girl-figure-hugging”, and I can feel that flirt dial going up another notch.

Another customer ghosts in behind me, and I stand to one side again, because I really want to finish our conversation about all things girl-figure-hugging. They take their time ordering their coffee and it irks me slightly, so whilst I wait I try to calm myself by plotting my next line and turning up my flirt dial another notch.

“So .. where were we?” I say , sliding back in once they’re done, “Ah that’s right .. your curvy thighs and butt hugging pants like mine” I go with, and she’s lapping it up and even does a little thigh-slapping dance to demonstrate how indeed she does have a rather feminine figure.

A few more flirty lines bounce back and forth, and her colleage who has been dilligently preparing my latte during this time even gives me a look of “You’re such an outrageous flirt, Geoff” from behind Camerons back, but it does little to deter me.

I sense someone behind me again – more movement, a guy – I turn and look and motion as if he wants to come up and order, but he gives me an odd look and moves away again, and doesn’t seem to want to get a coffee. Nevermind, I turn back to flirt with Cameron some more.

It’s about a good whole minute later, and we’ve disected girls clothing versus mens clothing, culminating into the fact that maybe we should go to this party that I’m going to together and swap trousers with her en route – and Cameron is lapping up – when I sense again, that the guy that was lingering a moment ago is still hovering behind me.

And it’s at this point that Camerons face suddenly ceases to be girl-flirt, and says quite seriously “Oh Geoff, and this is my fiancée by the way”, and motions to the dude that was lingering behind me.

I feel the blood drain a little away from my face as I now turn and face him, and he gives me the evilest eye in the world for I am the complete bastard who has been chatting up his lovely lady for the last five minutes within his full earshot.

Shit.

I turn back to face Cameron, hoping that somehow it’s just her room mate or brother or similar, and this is just flirty joke that she’s pulling on me – but no – gleaming away on her fourth finger is indeed a nice shiny engagement ring that I’d previously failed to spot.

The next thirty seconds are a bit of a blur, but my basic tactic went along the lines of “Flirt with the other girl too, so that it doesn’t look as if you were just hitting on Cameron”, make some polite small talk, and then get the hell out of there.

I do so, talk to the other other barista about a work thing, give her my work card with my number and email on because they want to get in touch about an event that they’ve got coming up that they want me to promote, I nod a polite ‘Hello’ to Cameron’s guy who is now quite clearly trying to implant vile diseases within me via his brainwaves, and I get the hell out of there.

Why, Cameron, WHY did you not break off flirting the moment you see your dude walking into Starbucks. C’mon!

I calm down, I walk away down the road and mull it over in my head, manage to smile at it, and move on – no real harm done, right? Right. I walk on. A few minutes pass. I head on foot for my destination.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket as it starts to ring. It’s a 719 area code. Where is 719? No idea. Normally I don’t answer my phone if the name is not programmed in and I don’t recognize the number, but this time I decide to pick up.

“Hello”

“Hello – is this Geoff?”, says a surley sounding male voice.

I don’t like the fact that it’s surley sounding, so I instantly fake out in case it’s a conversation that I need to hang up on, and reply with “Well it’s a bad line, I can’t really hear you, hello? Who’s that?”

“This is Todd”

“Todd?” I don’t know anyone called Todd.

“Todd”

“Ok, well hello, I still can’t really hear you that well”

“Yeah, well, knock knock”.

Knock Knock? What is this? Dial-a-joke? But my improv sense kicks in, and I play along.

“Who’s there”

“FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!”

And he hangs up.

So – inadvertantly hitting on other people’s fiancées – it’s my new thing, apparantly.

26 responses to “Knock Knock”

  1. geofftech says:

    I know what you’re thinking … ‘How did ge get my number’. Right? But read the above again .. I gave my business card to another Barista in the store who wants me to plug an event – a band that they play in – next week. Todd would have seen this happen, asked for the card, got my number and decided to call me.

    But double-doochbag points to him. What’s to stop me going back at somepoint the next time that Cameron is there, and asking “If your fiancee called Todd, and his number 719 … ?” and telling her what happened?

    Or should I just let it drop…

  2. Kirk says:

    I think the onus was on her to stop. Or for him to realise that she’s an outrageous flirt anyway, and he’ll just have to put up with it.

  3. Julia says:

    I vote tell her!

  4. Alan Perks says:

    I vote you steal her away from him!

  5. mum in new zealand says:

    I vote you go to a different Starbucks next time, you have plenty to choose from! Always check the girl’s ring finger btw!

  6. Todd says:

    FUCK you aGAIN ASSHOLE.

  7. jhota says:

    i think, once Todd gets to know you, he’ll realize you’re harmless.

  8. almost witty says:

    The onus was definitely on her to stop. How were you to know?

    having said that, ALWAYS CHECK THE WEDDING FINGER. I always do. Especially in America – it’s not exactly the place where you can just shrug and go “Well, just a bit of fun!”

  9. almost witty says:

    And another thing, surely if you’re engaged to someone who’s that outrageously flirty that they carry on flirting in front of their fiance, you should be used to it? Either that or if you’re the jealous possessive type, you should really re-consider if you want to be with someone that flirty…

  10. paul webb says:

    I think Todd sounds a bit insecure. I have found men flirting with Mrs W before now and found it highly amusing. Maybe he has a little winkey?

  11. Alan Perks says:

    Todd certainly has a good range of vocabulary!

  12. (William) Andrew says:

    Meanwhile… you’re missing all the snow in England!

  13. Kate Jane says:

    Todd is very insecure – flirting is fun not something to get het up about…. now if he’d caught you kissing her then that’s a totally different ball game….

    I agree with Paul, its cool if someone else thinks your partner is lovely enough to flirt with : ) This has happened to my partner and both he and I found it funny.

  14. Lolly says:

    Obviously Todd is a latent homosexual who wants to “fuck you(r)arsehole” : he was jealous of Cameron and now he has your phone number. Did that card say where you lived..?

  15. Paul Leonard says:

    I can’t help but think of that song, (hell knows who its by) Smooth Operator

  16. geofftech says:

    MONDAY 2nd February … update!

    So I’m back in the same Starbucks. Cameron arrives whilst I am sat their tapping away on my laptop, and she sees me nods hello and puts her apron on and goes to work. I give it ten minutes and wander up to the counter.

    “Hey how you doin'” “Great! Hello!”. “Erm.. random question.. your fiancee that I met here the other night.. is his name Todd?”

    “Todd?”

    “Yeah, Todd”

    “No, it’s…” [And she tell me a name, but I can’t remember what it was!]

    “Oh. Ok.”

    And i’m about to turn away, when I suddenly think of…

    “Well do you know any Todds, or does he have any friends called Todd, or do you all in a Todd-less world?”

    And after a slight pause, Cameron says: “Well yeah, like his best friend is called Todd, sure!”

    “Aaaah! There it is …”

    “What?” she says, looking confused … but i’m already walking away, smiling to myself, knowing that the seed has been planted, and there will later be a conversation about how the hell do I know that her fiancees best mates name is Todd …

  17. mum in new zealand says:

    I am very confused now, about this Todd thing. Why was Todd so annoyed if it wasn’t his fiancee? Does he go running to ‘X’ now and tell him everything Cameron does? Is he her minder? Surely it’s a bit like being a barmaid in England, being flirted with is part of the job.If she didn’t like it she should say so.

  18. Paul says:

    This is great! First we all find out Geoff does videography for work, he does acting for a hobby, I can feel the vibes already, by the end of the year (or Geoff comes back to the UK) there will be a brand new soap opera set in Charleston SC. SCENE ONE:

  19. geofftech says:

    #18 – Mum. Because Fiancee bloke is enraged that i was flirting with his girl, and gets my number. 20 minutes later he’s round his mates place, telling him about how he just saw this guy flirting with his woman and how he wants to call him and tell him he’s a dick down the phone, but best mate (Todd), says “No, i’ll do it, because if you do it, he’ll have your number”, and then steps up as his wing man to be the guy to chew me out on the phone. simple!

    oh, and Paul, i have already incorporated this whole little sorry saga into a comedy routine i’m working on, yes. Truth in Comedy!

  20. Johnny Alpha says:

    >>“FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!”

    You appear to have gone and upset a T-800 series Terminator. Doh!

  21. mum in new zealand says:

    Thanks for putting me straight on that one Geoff, I got confused and thought man in STB was the fiance’s friend. Doh, must be all this N.Z. fresh air making me stupid. Still in Queenstown but couldn’t face the Bungy or the jet boat, too old!

  22. Michael says:

    Well at least this dispells the idea that ALL Americans fall for the the English accent.

  23. ian (the benign dictator) says:

    The proverb “Never trust anyone called Cameron” has always stood me in good stead.

  24. Hello from a fellow Lowcountry blogger! I was just perusing the Lowcountry Blogroll and came across yours so thought I’d drop by and say hello. My husband’s from England (London; and Plymouth for about 15 years). I lived over there with him for a couple of years (Hounslow). We’ve been here for a bit over 4 years now. He recently got his US Citizenship. So many things we miss about England, but traffic, weather, and ASB aren’t on that list! BTW hubby’s in IT, too – web developer at Berkeley County. Used to run Helpdesk at Hounslow Council. Nice to “meet” you!

  25. Chris R says:

    Superb. Superb. Made my morning. I love the “flirt with the other girl” tactic. If it’s any consolation, I suspect Todd is rather used to this sort of thing…

Powered by WordPress